Category: Posts

The Best Places to Learn Online

Since the fall of 2011 I have spent much of my time learning new things. In fact, I’d argue that I’ve learned more useful information in the past year and half than at any other time in my life. I feel as if I passed a “tipping point”, where I went from an ordinary interest level in information, to obsessed with it. I’ve also realized that much of what I learned before was incomplete and lacked “fundamental knowledge.” So I’ve also been relearning, or even “unlearning”, all sorts of different things. And it has resulted in the most wonderful and unanticipated consequence: the awareness of intellectual enlightenment. So today I wanted to publish a relatively short article about how I learn online and why it has worked for me.

The first learning resource is a recent discovery called Memrise. This website is absolutely fantastic and has amazing potential in my opinion. Think “Rosetta Stone”, but free and better designed (at least compared to the version I used a few years ago). I’ve been using it to learn French (my sister speaks it fluently) and sign language (just because why not). I am also going to pickup Spanish as well, once I have French down. With this website I am memorizing faster and more efficiently than ever before because of their two unique features: “Mems“, which help you visualize what you’re learning, and the implementation of the “forgetting curve” in each course. If you’re at all interested in learning a new language or need help memorizing facts and terms, Memrise is the place to be.

Next up is the Khan Academy, a website full of educational YouTube videos taught by Salman Khan. Now there’s a few main reasons I really like this website over its competitors:

  1. You are not required to “signup for courses”, a feature I really dislike about other learning websites. I do not want to be forced to learn through a sequence of due dates. That’s why I prefer learning online, because it’s at your own pace and discretion. If I wanted courses and due dates, I’d go back to school!
  2. Sal is an excellent teacher who focuses on making sure you understand the fundamentals. He also takes the extra time to color code what he’s talking about, reiterates his points to ensure no one misses anything important, and has a natural talent for explaining things in a thorough and simple way.
  3. And lastly, the website looks gorgeous, has a Q&A comment section with ratings for asking questions about each video, it awards points and achievements for learning, and connects with my Google account. All great things that make the experience that much better.

The Stack Exchange is next and offers a large network of Q&A websites covering many different topics. This is another beautifully designed website that makes solving even the hardest questions not only possible, but fun. The communities are full of helpful people, there’s a reward system that gives you points and badges, and it serves as an excellent way to test your knowledge. As a programmer, I’ve posted answers and asked questions as a way to challenge myself, and I encourage you to do the same.

Another great way to educate yourself is through reading. Over the past year I’ve come across some excellent free ebooks and PDF websites. Scribd, which touts itself as the largest online library, has a wide range of PDF documents for online reading or download. Just be aware that they offer a premium feature which locks some documents behind a paywall. Project Gutenberg, named after Johannes Gutenberg, the inventor of the printing press, publishes public domain texts, primarily of historical nature. They also offer their documents in a variety of formats (including Kindle), which is an excellent feature Scribd currently lacks. I also stumbled upon Open Library, which is exactly like it sounds, an online library that offers free and borrowable texts. I really like this website since it houses a ton of documents, but I feel the interface needs some work yet and the borrowing feature seems silly since they’re digital documents. But I suppose if that’s the only way to get licensing, borrowing an ebook isn’t so bad, if it opens up more choices. Lastly, there’s good ol’ Amazon.com and their selection of free Kindle ebooks. I mention this because if you have a Kindle, their Whispernet makes reading these texts a breeze. Just search for a famous classical author, find the free community versions of their books, and with a single click, send them to your Kindle. It’s awesome, plain and simple. And just as a very last note here, don’t forget Wikipedia! Sometimes just browsing articles and reading biographies or the explanation of something you don’t understand is a great way to learn.

And the final resource for learning online is YouTube. Yes, there may be a million, no wait, a billion distractions, from fail compilations to music videos, but YouTube also contains a huge selection of educational videos. I am constantly queuing up new videos to my “Watch Later” playlist and have learned all sorts of fascinating things. Just be aware that 1. not everything on YouTube is accurate, and in fact there’s plenty of disinformation floating around and 2. don’t read the comments, people are jerks. If you’re interested in finding some good channels to subscribe to (and I highly recommend actually using your Google account to like, favorite, rate, and subscribe), come check out my YouTube channel’s about page to get started.

And that’s how I learn online. By utilizing these different services, staying interested by cycling through them and mixing it up, I’ve reached a point where learning has become fun and engaging. And you don’t even have to take it that seriously. I used to listen to YouTube lectures and lessons while playing video games or working on other projects. Just because you’re learning, doesn’t mean you have to take notes and be all serious. Have fun with it and learn about things that make you happy!

Update: Here are a few more learning websites that might tickle your fancy: Udacity, Quizlet, Academic Earth, Coursera, and edX. The reason I didn’t list these before is primarily because they require you to “sign up for courses” or have other needless requirements. I prefer learning when I feel like it.

Why Do Monks Meditate in Monasteries?

There are probably many reasons why monks live in monasteries, but I’m interested in just a couple in particular. It’s this idea that once you reach a heightened level of understanding you realize the futility of seeking out people for enlightenment. It is far easier and more effective to let people come to you because their minds are open and ready to learn. Imagine all the skeptical, close-minded people on the Internet being taught by even the most wise monk. They would be trolling and arguing and claiming they won, all while the monk sat calmly wondering why he even bothered. It’s not worth trying to reach their minds. It’s better to let life flow naturally and if they wake up, they will seek out the information themselves. This is why Buddhism and Zen are so superior to organized religions like Christianity. They do not indoctrinate because they do not care to. Their level of understanding is so high that it all seems petty and futile. Enlightenment is an individual journey that will either happen naturally or not at all.

The next reason results through the elimination of suffering. All personal suffering is derived from desire and when you work to eliminate them, you find yourself in a state of calm. You must understand that, unless you’ve practiced this, you may never have actually experienced life without suffering. Even from a young age, we are grown up in a world where you are constantly wanting things or comparing yourself against others. It is very possible that a life without suffering is not one in which you can even comprehend until it actually happens. So when monks and enlightened individuals do eliminate them and reach this contentment, they no longer need the external world. They may enjoy to wander about, but they do not need it. So monks sit pleasantly and content, up in their monasteries because that is all they need. A nice calm, quiet location where they can practice meditation and live in constant peace and harmony.

People will argue, and I would have in the past, that this behavior is lazy and self-indulgent. That these monks are just wasting their lives and should be out doing things. Or at the very least helping others and teaching their lessons. There are so many things wrong with this argument. First, most people, if not everyone, aren’t in a position where they should be commenting on another person’s life. The vast majority of people are robots, toiling away, completely unaware that they exist (or, more accurately, do not exist). No one is qualified to judge and assess another person’s life, especially when their own is completely out of their control. Second, the universe does not value anything over anything else, meaning that no matter what you do in life, it is equal to any other task or achievement. We only apply subjective value to things; there is no such thing as objective valuation within the properties of reality. Ex. the beautiful women isn’t actually beautiful, she’s just subjectively beautiful. Next, the reward and understanding that comes with enlightenment and meditating in monasteries is complex and abstract. While it may appear lazy and wasteful to sit meditating and reflecting on the universe, it is actually quite taxing and tiresome. The work may not be tangible, but these monks and enlightenment seekers are doing far more than you might imagine. All-in-all this argument lacks even the most basic understanding of what enlightenment is and the more you begin to unravel the mysteries of this life, the more you realize how wise and intelligent it is to simply sit in a monastery.

Update: I’d also like to mention that attaining and maintaining an enlightened state is very difficult and thus remaining within a serene monastery may expedite the process.

Thoughts on Marijuana Legalization

I’m sure there are many pro legalization articles floating around, but I wanted to publish my thoughts on all the benefits and consequences of marijuana that I’ve personally observed. Some or all of these are arguable, but I’m not really interested in debating anything. Like all my articles, they exist to ruminate on.

The first is the most obvious: the effect. Marijuana provides an altered state that can manipulate your worldview, increase creativity and attention to detail, relax and calm you down, energize and spark curiosity, offer fresh perspectives, and break down belief structures. All of these can be highly valuable assuming one is interested in utilizing their high. I think when considering the general public in terms of how they would use legalization, we can assume their lives will remain virtually the same. This means that most users would simply consume marijuana for relaxation. Especially among blue-collar workers who may be working tough jobs for long hours. This substance, in my opinion, would provide a better substitute for alcohol-induced relaxation. Among white-collar workers I think we would find users smoking to relax and enjoy entertainment like television and movies. And I think it’s here that we find our first opponent to marijuana: mainstream news agencies. Often times I’ve found that marijuana provides a powerful new angle when analyzing content you’re familiar with. You’ll notice subtleties that normally blend in, you’ll reassess how you feel about things, and the consequence of most Americans smoking cannabis would be the realization that mainstream news is overly negative and incredibly stupid. I base this conclusion on the fact that an increased attention to detail would reveal the negativity you absorb from hearing about deaths, economic woes, crimes, etc. (Note: this increased awareness to emotional absorption can also be achieved through meditation.) They’d also consider what they’re watching more closely because all the different language and visual cues would stick in their minds more clearly. Seriously thinking about what you’re watching would undoubtedly ruin the news for many people.

The relaxation effect would be beneficial for most Americans in my opinion because the stress level of most people I’ve observed is very high. The ability to reassess your life through marijuana may greatly reshape a lot of American lives as they realize how affected by stress and unhappy their are. Again this reveals a serious opponent to legalization: the US government and Wall Street. Assuming a significant swath of Americans begin using post-legalization, I would assume we’d see a correlated statistical shift in how serious those workers are about their jobs. The realization that your job may be responsible for serious unhappiness, high stress, and little free time to spend doing what you care about will undoubtedly affect our economics. As a world power, any significant portion of our country reassessing that aspect of their life could be very detrimental (“lazy nation syndrome”). Of course this isn’t necessarily a bad thing depending on who you are. Considering that we were not born to work our lives away and should be spending most of it enjoying life, this reassessment might be the best thing that ever happened to a lot of people. I constantly feel sympathy for the millions of working adults who have never considered what it is they are doing. They’ve been given a task and will carry it out unto their grave, simply because it’s “the right thing to do”. The longer you consider the design of our system and the reality of life and existence, the more you realize how absurd it is to go along with society. Marijuana may hold the key to freeing many peoples’ minds.

Disclaimer: while relaxation and freeing your mind is good. You must still accept the reality of the world around you. Ignoring your bills, rent, work, etc. and smoking to relax doesn’t change the eventual outcome. Responsible drug use is the only type of drug use I encourage. Pay your bills, pay rent, work hard, but think about things so you can make real, conscious decisions about them. I’d also like to note (somewhat randomly) the importance of NOT using marijuana as a sleep-aid. While it does help with insomnia and simply getting great sleep, natural sleep is always going to be a better, healthier alternative. Do NOT become dependent on drugs for this or any other biological process.

Another important aspect of marijuana use is the increased enjoyment from entertainment. Movies, music, television, art, YouTube, etc. will become more interesting and can captivate you for hours. I can personally attest to an increased appreciation for artistic movies and music post-marijuana use. The band Animal Collective and Between the Buried and Me had previously been nothing more than “noise” when I first heard them. After a night of smoking and watching their live concerts, I became a fan. It allowed me to really hear their music the way I felt it was meant to be heard. The depth, each instrument, and the emotion behind it. Without marijuana my music interests may never have risen above ordinary ears.

Disclaimer: It should be noted that while good media can be appreciated even more, bad media isn’t any different. I suggest actively experiencing what is considered “high art” when high. It will expand your mind, rather than dumbing it down. Additionally, marijuana-based perspectives can actually ruin content as well. I had previously enjoyed the sober experience behind the movie Avatar until I watched it high. Flaws, CG, bad dialog and more become suddenly more apparent. I also immediately stopped playing the game Morrowind as well because the nerdiness-level was too intense. Lastly, it can be somewhat addicting to watch and play everything high because it all seems better. But this is addictive behavior and should be managed properly. If you find that you can’t enjoy things unless you’re high, then you probably need to take a break and get your mind clear.

Now let’s talk about the greatest asset marijuana possesses, something I mentioned above: forced perspectives. Derived from increased attention to detail and the ability to reassess aspects of reality, marijuana provides a powerful tool for destroying belief structures and providing new perspectives you had not previously considered. This is one of the most fundamental lessons a person interested in intellectual enlightenment must eventually grasp. That what you believe, and what is “true”, are two entirely different things. I believe marijuana could produce this effect in a portion of users minds and free them from previous restricted thinking. And this is where we meet our next opponent: religion. Marijuana itself can provide deep spiritual and enlightening experiences. This of course directly contradicts the Church who until very recently provided most people with meaning and purpose. But a free mind cannot be religious (Note: religion is different than spirituality).

The last segment to discuss here is medical purposes. This is a fairly well known argument for legalization and has provided the most successful legislation to date through the use of medical marijuana. It can be used to reduce pain, help with depression, and I’m sure a myriad of other conditions. Personally, I don’t care too much about this section because medical marijuana legalization is still infringing on fundamental liberties. As a responsible user, I would prefer not to lie to get access to marijuana stores. But it’s important to note our very last major opponent to legalization: pharmaceutical companies. The cost and effectiveness of simple, natural drugs like marijuana and even psilocybin mushrooms could be widely available to everyone who needs them for a fraction of the cost of laboratory produced drugs. They should at the least be considered first over the highly addictive, and questionably effective drugs you get now. The fact that many people are on dangerous anti-depressant drugs when they could have taken a single dose of mushrooms is sickening and should be greatly scrutinized. There are also other industries that would undoubtedly find reasons to prohibit marijuana legalization because it would negatively impact their bottom line. One mentioned by Duncan Trussell on his podcast “The Duncan Trussell Family Hour” was of the potentially lucrative hemp industry that was squashed by industries that would be affected by this new material. It’s these sort of behaviors that push through anti-drug propaganda and bad legislation that are based on lies, like that a hemp industry could easily lead to more marijuana production or that hemp would be smoked for a high (even though hemp plants can have extremely reduced or eliminated THC content). I will admit that growing marijuana among hemp plants could be very difficult to detect and thus hemp’s prohibition makes sense from that angle, but to eliminate an entire industry simply because we don’t want people to get high seems foolish. Perhaps with America’s decline from super power status, we will finally come to our senses and realize life isn’t just about economic and sociopolitical power.

From a statistical viewpoint, one I will be mentioning in a future article, marijuana prohibition makes a lot of sense. Legalization will immediately result in a higher statistical rate of addiction, potentially increased unemployment, economic decline, fatalities due to driving under the influence, and more unforeseeable consequences. But legalization is not without benefit. Protecting and encouraging fundamental liberties is what America is all about and our inability to process, dry, and smoke a naturally growing plant seems absurd at best. It may result in change and consequence but the social well-being of every American touched by this frankly strange and mystifying plant, will live on for the better. Understanding more of who they are and what they want in life. Perhaps a powerful society like ours can’t legalize until certain variables are ready, but eventually we must allow people to make their own decisions and face the consequences of their actions as adults.

Update: I suppose I should quickly mention, in comparison to alcohol, you cannot, or it would be incredibly difficult and extremely uncomfortable to, OD on marijuana. There is also no discernible hangover from marijuana which means you can experience the same level of altered state as alcohol without the painful consequence. Alcohol is generally a better social drug and it’s probably the greatest asset it has. Marijuana I find to be more of a small group or even individual affair, but people who smoke very frequently do socialize on it. I find it much easier to maintain (“be cool and think”) on marijuana than alcohol. Of course this is probably subjective, but something to consider. There is a lingering effect from post-marijuana-consumption that keeps you feeling calm and chill. It’s very nice and similar to the feeling after long meditation sessions. Marijuana legalization may help lift the ban on psychedelic drugs as well which could open a new door to social change and experimentation.

Why would activation energy exist?

Why do activation costs and the ego exist? How do they factor into the evolutionary development of our mind? Why would we even have activation costs if they make us lazy and less likely to survive? Or are these simply consequences to a self-aware mind?

UPDATE 2013-01-27: Activation energy probably exists for the same reason physical energy exists. It’s finite and wears out with use. Just as we can exercise the body, we can also exercise the mind to make it stronger and work longer. And they have limited energy because only so much energy can be stored in your muscles and mind at a time. You have to rest to recharge.

UPDATE 2015-03-16: I can also imagine that cells, energy in general, wants naturally to be at rest, and that life resists this natural tendency through its own mechanisms. In the beginning cells had minor internal functions that grew in complexity and further from that state of rest. The more complex we become, the more noticeable those forces acting against us are. Life, energy, movement is all working against the natural state of the universe. What it comes down to is managing our brain chemistry and realizing that all these systems respond to change and long-term change equates to more permanent results. Cells don’t want to work, but they will, and the more you work them the more they can shape until they run more optimally under the conditions you’re trying to reach.

UPDATE 2018-09-11: This idea that the natural state is “at rest” might be wrong. The universe is literally vibrating constantly at its smallest levels. To think that the universe is at rest seems wrong from that perspective. However, it may be that we’re “overclocking” our systems which is why activation energy exists. The system wants to be alive and move, but only to a degree. As humans, especially in modern societies, we want to constantly be active and engaged with the world which is beyond the default desire of the system. This is why we get tired and require willpower to overcome it. We’re revving the motor and expecting it to just work or have no consequences over time.

Fear of Success

I’m reading a blog post called “Fear of Success” and it made me realize that maybe a lot of people don’t succeed in life because they actually fear it. Whereas I am obsessed with becoming rich and powerful and enlightened, they are actually scared of achieving because of the added pressure…seriously? That seems absurd, although I suppose without pursuing the right paths, normalcy feels safe and secure. Or maybe it’s their attachment to the status quo. That would make sense since we observe that sort of thing historically and on a daily basis.

UPDATE 2015-03-16: The only thing that really stands out here is the realization that people are different. Truly different. Fundamentally different in how they think. Who I am is alien compared to other people and it means nothing in terms of value. We are all just different and play different roles and have different ideas about what things mean and how they should be done. There are probably people that legitimately self-sabotage because they’re afraid of succeeding. I might be one of them. Why don’t I try harder at work? There’s probably a lot of reasons, but one might be that I’m really scared of standing up in front of everyone and taking a strong lead on something. Standing up at the quarterly meeting and asking a question or giving a presentation. Spearheading a project. In this little world of mine I might be too scared to succeed. We are all very different and yet very vulnerable in the same ways. Keep an open mind and scrutinize yourself from every angle because you might just realize that something that seems so certain to apply or not apply to you, might just do the opposite.

UPDATE 2018-09-12: This is kind of embarrassing to read. I am, and was, scared of succeeding just like everyone else and didn’t realize it. The way we view ourselves internally is so much different from how we really act in the moment. That’s the big difference here. I was caught up in how I thought of myself, but not the reality of real life situations. The fear of success is referring to actual moments in life when difficult situations are presented and most of us fail to perform correctly. We struggle, we break under pressure, we back down, we do the wrong thing. That’s what’s really being said here. I was just a naive kid when I wrote this with a skewed perspective of reality because I thought I was somehow immune or exempt from the pressures of the real world. Really it was just a lack of real life experience that will quickly humble you when you realize you’re not all that you think you are.

Who Am I? (Primer)

One issue that I’m constantly torn over is determining who I am. Very often I see a character from a movie or TV show and think to myself, “I should be more like them. They are strong, have X characteristic that’s [funny/witty/confident/etc.]” and I find myself imitating their behavior for a short time. Examples of this might be, after watching Downton Abbey, I was more proper, after Sherlock more intellectually stimulated, and after Thor more confident and strong. But the problem here is that I cannot be all these people at once and I cannot choose one definitively. I can’t JUST be Sherlock because I also want to be funny, social, and strong like Thor, and proper and witty like the rich folk from Downton Abbey. So what do I do? How do I determine who I am? Often times it seems like the coolest people in the world are those with really defined personalities. Joe Rogan may be the coolest person in the world because he’s consistent in his behavior. You can trust in his responses and predict in his behavior. Who am I? Where do I fit in this? If I cannot possibly choose one path to follow, then am I no one?

I’ve also been told or hinted at that those without strong personalities are weak, insecure, and confused. It seems intuitive even. That most of us are just misinformed and incapable of handling this world because we don’t have strong character. But I don’t feel this way. I lack a core personality that’s consistent across the board, but I don’t feel insecure or weak. In fact I feel stronger than ever and I would consider myself highly informed compared to most people. So who am I? Perhaps I am no one and that’s the point. Maybe when you begin to understand this universe and become enlightened you lose yourself and become unattached. Maybe having character isn’t the strongest level of development. Perhaps it’s just a burden.

2015-03-16: Or perhaps, young Sam, it just takes time. At this point in my life I had only been out of college a half-year, I had just begun to break the seal on the vast world of enlightenment, it seems perfectly reasonable to think that the complete destruction of my core self would result in a long uphill battle towards redefinition. It’s crazy to think how much lies in front of me at this point. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Complete and utter destruction. I have so many memories of being out in the world, realizing something profound, and rushing home so I could write it down on my computer. Each journal entry slowly tearing me apart and replacing the core of my being with something fundamentally different. Life is so crazy.

2018-09-12: First off, it seems likely that we are simply bad at seeing ourselves from the outside. We have such a vastly complex view of ourselves that we struggle to see the distilled external version that others see. So to think “I am no one” or devoid of a concrete personality is probably wrong. Second, basing it all on a “personality” or archetype is too broad when talking about a complex system. There are a multitude of smaller components that need to be reviewed first. I have a feeling my bigger issue is a lack of self-confidence more than anything.

Read the full version of this post here

Luck doesn’t exist

Luck is not some mysterious force working inside us, but rather tiny subtle flaws or advantages intrinsic to our current personality or understanding of the world. Luck is as relevant as our day-to-day emotions. Fleeting, seemingly random, but controllable with enough data and effort.

The fear of accidentally ruining your mind

Another interesting thought this article reminded me of, is this feeling that my mind isn’t entirely in my control. When I read articles like this that talk about a helpless psychological condition we all face and only few of us defeat, I have this nagging worry that says, “by reading this, you’ll adopt this behavior and ruin your mind!” or something along those lines. I know it’s absurd, but it’s a consistent concern I have when exploring unfamiliar territory. However, I am beginning to feel a force working against it. Perhaps by continuing to explore this world I will eventually reach a point where “I know everything” (not literally) and can completely control my mental states. I could read about something like this article and be entirely unphased by its information because I already know the truth of the situation. This article is actually a good proof-of-concept because I am somewhat aware of what he speaks and have a preformed opinion about it. So as I’m reading I feel that weird adoption anxiety but also something pushing against it, reminding me of my personal reality. It’s interesting. Perhaps it’s belief…which may or may not be good.

UPDATE 2013-07-09: I remember this feeling well and it’s only in recent months that my mind has reached a strong enough point where these worries no longer affect me. In fact, it’s important to note that with consistent practice, thoughts like these have almost entirely vanished from my life. I’ve made a lot of emotional and psychological progress that I wasn’t sure I could do a year ago. It’s very exciting to see such profound changes take place, especially when I had no idea what to expect or where it was going.

UPDATE 2015-03-16: This is really interesting and probably highlights a weakness of mind we call “ignorance.” When you don’t know, anything seems possible. I remember being plagued by this thought on numerous occasions, that what I read or thought about, might infect my mind. Now I am completely free of it. I know too much to be affected that easily. This surely has religious implications, young minds, captured by indoctrination, see a world they do not understand and thus must construct imaginary worlds to explain and protect. If you stop learning, on any level, you have failed. The world will remain a mystery, and you a slave to its every whim.

The human parasite

What if the human race is a parasite? The planet started with a natural equilibrium of water and biomass (plants) with healthy bacteria (animals) living on it, then the human parasite began to spread, devouring its resources and consuming the planet. What if we were seeded for this reason? Perhaps our forefathers, long ago, launched our genetic material into space in all directions, hoping that some small fraction would reach other habitable planets. Spreading the human race through the galaxy like a virus. Maybe we’re destined to die here, but not before launching our own genetic material back into space to keep the cycle going.

UPDATE 2015-02-08: This seems more plausible if life is exceedingly rare. An alien society seeding planets because it won’t happen naturally. Sure they expand themselves to various points throughout the universe, but probably not ALL the planets. Seeding hundreds, thousands, millions of them seems reasonable if the odds of life are so slim by default.

UPDATE 2018-09-10: Humans are not virulent. The planet has never been at a natural equilibrium. There have always been problems and humans are just as natural as other complex systems in the environment. It’s one thing to see similarities, but to reach a conclusion about humans being a virus or bacteria upon the earth is naive. Viruses don’t build cities, write books, make YouTube videos, or perform surgery. Comparing us to them is a vast oversimplification of the situation we find ourselves in. Sure, there are patterns, and comparisons like this can be useful, but it is not a conclusion.

On the outside looking in

Everything is becoming humorous and insignificant. My day to day life is filled with observations of these organisms that have no idea what’s going on around them. I watch their predictable behavior, laugh at their ridiculous habits, and am amused by our social constructs that they obediently follow. I still maintain much of my obedience as well, but see the absurdity in it. I often picture moments when I could do something extremely odd but don’t simply because I’m not sure of the ramifications. It’s not necessarily because of the immediate “embarrassment” I may feel, but rather how it will affect my life down the road…not that eccentric behavior is bad.

2015-03-16: I’ve never been happy with this analysis because I was lying. I would be embarrassed in the moment, I’m not brave enough to let go and do something crazy like that. I was telling the truth about long-term implications though and give my past self an approving nod. I have seen potential perspectives other people might have towards me and it’s almost always negative (there’s probably something to be said about that, but that’s another point entirely), instead these negative perspectives are because I have seemingly disappointed their expectations. I am not the person I think other people want me to be and thus I’ve recognized it on occasion and felt incredibly bad. So in one respect I’m glad I didn’t go the crazy route and let go entirely because that path would have truly alienated me beyond repair. Instead I have been quietly exploring under the table, damaging my perceived reputation in small manageable increments over the course of a few years. But it is ultimately repairable and I can return to perceived normalcy a stronger and more capable person. Oh and regarding the first part about laughing at people’s ridiculous behavior, that still happens quite regularly, but it doesn’t have an undertone of insanity, elitism, and is somewhat less humorous than at first. I suppose after awhile the joke gets old…

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